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The Drive-Thru/Transcript
The complete transcript for The Drive-Thru Opening Scene Intro The Possum Lodge Word Game Segue: Winston Rothschild Handyman Corner Red's Sage Advice Fishing Conversations Plot Segment 2 Adventures Red's Handyman Tips Ranger Gord's Wilderness Safety Tips Plot Segment 3 WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, one of the toughest lessons a man has to learn is that nothing lasts forever. Think of all the unpleasant experiences you've had with phrases like, "best before," or, "past due." or in the case of this umbrella, "limited warranty." but I'm not throwin' this baby out. No sir. The time ever comes when the world turns its back on something just because it's old and useless, well, that'll be a sad day for me and most of my fans. You're gonna love this one. You know how you get those ugly rust stains under inside rim of your toilet and you can't get a brush to reach in there? Well, now you can. Just stick a few sponges onto the arms of your stripped umbrella. As for the handle, well, that just happens to fit into the chuck of my cordless drill. I call it the umbrush, patent pending. Guess it is bad luck to open these things indoors. [ cheers and applause ] [ ♪♪♪ ] thank you very much. Thank you. Appreciate it. Actually, we had a nasty accident on the highway into town just now. Delivery truck full of hamburger meat. They kinda jack-knifed her, turned her right over. The driver's okay, but that's a heck of a way to flip your burgers. Okay, uncle red! I think that's the last one. All right, did you look in all the potholes? Oh yeah! It gets pretty dark five or six feet down, though. That road is a safety hazard. Well, they don't call it route 911 for nothing. So are you gonna apologize to that driver for cutting him off? Okay, first of all, he was passing on a hill. And maybe if he kept both hands on the wheel, instead of taking one off to give me the bird... Well, you know what I think? It doesn't matter what you think, harold. You'd know that if you were married. Hey, hey, did you guys see the accident?! No, we didn't, and we don't have any free meat. Well, what's this? Free meat. El toro? El toro, yeah. Well, it -- gee, it looks kinda funny. What kind of meat is this? I believe it's ground chuck. You don't know that. Hey, it was chucked on the ground. Well, you better hide this stuff, coz we're gonna have a whole lotta visitors. That truck is right across the highway, and the cops say until the crane gets here, they have to redirect traffic right past the lodge. Wait a second. We're gonna have hundreds of cars going by the lodge and we got thousands of burgers. Yeah, what are you thinking? Well, I may be crazy, but I'm thinking fast food drive-thru. Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh, you are crazy! [ applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today ed frid will be playing for one free wash from the possum lake school of dry cleaning and philosophy, where our motto is, I shrink therefore I am. All right, ed, cover your ears. Red, you've got 30 seconds to get ed frid to say this word... Yeah, all right, winston. And... Go! Okay, ed, this is something that your dog catches. The croup. No, okay, no. Something your dog catches that falls out of a tree. Oh! Dead birds. No, uh... Okay, when you want something to go your way, you walk softly and carry a big... Tranquilizer gun. No, no, no. Okay, if you put krazy glue on something, it will... Require medical attention. Almost outta time, red. Yeah, I know. Uh, I know, ed, what does a postage stamp do? It goes up in price. Yeah, the government always finds a way to stick it to ya! There you go! If your leaves are turning colour and it's only July, maybe it's time to give rothschild's a try. Bernice wants me to take up the game of golf. I said no. I told her, if I wanna play 36 holes a day, I'll buy a harmonica. She didn't laugh either. So instead I went down to the local golf course, but it's way too expensive. 75 bucks for a round, but only 20 for a cart. I know a deal when I see one. So instead of playing golf, I gave 'em 40 bucks and took two carts. But it turns out the joke was kinda on me, coz these carts are not the same. This one has got a gas engine in her, while this one is electric and runs off of car batteries. Maybe that's why they were so cheap. But you know that old saying, if life gives you lemons, throw them into a quart of vodka. I've been reading about these fancy hybrid cars that have a gas engine and an electric motor and they switch back and forth between the two to give you great gas mileage and also save the environment. And I'm thinkin', hey, I can combine these two golf carts and make my very own hybrid car of the future. All's I have to do is take the engine out of the gas-powered one and add it to the electric one. That's a lot safer than taking the electric motor out. Nobody ever got electrocuted by a gasoline engine. Holy -- now, the fancy hybrid cars, they have computers and other things that I don't trust that decide when to run gas and when to run electric. I prefer the simple approach. I'm runnin' them both all the time. I got the electric motor runnin' this wheel, and I got the gas engine runnin' the other wheel. So they're each doin' half the work. Kinda like what your wife had in mind when she married you. Okay, that's the mechanics of the hybrid car taken care of. Now I want to do something about the appearance. Here again, I want her to look sharp and futuristic, but I didn't wanna spend any money. I already got 40 bucks into the unit, and that's probably pretty close to all she's worth. So I'm going with a couple of these old school satellite dishes. You can pick these up pretty cheap during a wind storm. Nobody wants 'em anyway, coz the new dishes are the size of a contact lens, and everybody need to get rid of these babies. That's because people have no imagination. I mean, you drop an outboard motor into that centre hole, you got a go-anywhere fishing boat. Or here's one! You see, the way these babies are designed, they focus all the satellite signals into the centre. Well, they do the same thing with sound. Supposing you had a teenage daughter sitting in the driveway in her boyfriend's car. Wouldn't you wanna hear everything that's going on? Well, all you have to do is stand in the middle, and point the dish at the car, then you'll hear everything crystal clear. [ horn honking ] holy cr -- is this a beauty or what, huh? And I attached a hinge assembly from a car hood, to allow easy access for the driver. Kinda looks like a big oyster, doesn't it? And you want a decent latch on there, because if this oyster blows open at 80 clicks, you're shot. She's sleek, isn't she? And she's aerodynamic. And thanks to the hybred gas-electric engine configuration, she's also fuel efficient. See, even the headlights are innovative on this thing. Sure they're just standard lanterns and so on, but instead of runnin' off the car battery, they're runnin' off that solar panel. Always thinkin'. So remember, if the women don't find ya handsome, they should at least find you handy. I've seen the future, and it's me driving a big suppository. [ applause ] I wanna talk to you older guys about the change of life. And it's never more obvious than when you go to the rest room. At whitey's tavern there in port asbestos, and I noticed they had an ad over the urinal. And I'm thinking, well, how dumb is this? Like, to me, going to the bathroom has nothing to do with going shopping. I mean, I'm not there to pick up anything. And I sure didn't have time to read the ad. I mean, I was on the go. But golly, you know, like maybe three, four years later, I'm back at the same place and I find I do have time to read them. And a couple years after that I was in there, and I could read all the ads, even the fine print, look at all the pictures, even memorize a toll-free number where you can get a free sample of the shampoo on there. And now I'm at the point I'm hoping they'll put up some sort of a short story up there so I don't get bored with it. And that's when it hit me. I have changed. Thanks to those ads in the rest rooms, hey, I'm reading way faster than I used to! Remember, I'm pullin' for ya; we're all in this together. [ applause ] mike: You ever think how your life might have been different if you hadn't made certain stupid mistakes? Dalton: Oh, baby, how about the time I forgot our 20th wedding anniversary? Oh, yeah! Ann marie was pretty put out? No, red, ann marie was ticked off. I was put out. Oh, that's right. He slept in the possum van for three weeks. Bernice thought I'd adopted him. You can't be forgetting the wedding anniversaries, dalton. It's kinda ironic that the second dumbest thing you ever did was to forget the dumbest thing you ever did. You know what you need is one of those page a day calendars. Then you put the wedding anniversary right in there. No, I hate those. A new page every day. That's every day that goes by, tear a new one, tear a new one. Well, it's better than ann marie tearing you a new one. My biggest mistake was my first bank robbery. Crime doesn't pay, does it, mike? Not the way I do it. What went wrong? Well, first of all, I couldn't find a mask, so I had to use the drive-thru. So I wrote a note to the teller saying this is a hold-up, and I put the note in the little tube, and I sent it in. She figure out it was you? Well, yeah, coz I wrote it on the back of one of my own cheques. Were they mad when they saw the note? No, they were laughing. I wanted them to know I meant business, right, so I sent my gun in with it. Dalton: That's the worst things about mistakes. Having to explain it to your wife. Red: Amen. Oh yeah? Try explaining to your mother you got caught robbing a bank. Especially when she's sittin' at home waiti'' for her cut. [ applause ] well, the possum lodge drive-thru is pretty much ready to go. We've had some negative response to the name "possum lodge" as a fast food place. Coz possums are not exactly fast, and not exactly food. C'mon, harold, you're runnin' a bit late! Ordinarily, I would dock your cheque. You're lucky I'm not paying you. Well, you just wait to see what I got in here. I've got our speaker box. Oh, boy! That's great, harold. Listen to this. You're fully automated. Really? As red: Welcome to possum lodge, may I take your order? That's great. Speaker box repeating: Welcome to possum lodge, may I take your order? Can you stop it, harold? Box keeps repeating: Welcome to possum lodge, may I take your order? It's getting annoying. You're telling me, I live with ya. You push the button and you stop. You're supposed to stop. Why won't you stop?!!! I'm going to make you stop! Just shut up! There you go. Right. Yeah. Take it outside and put it by the end of the lane. I was -- yeah... We still got a fair whack of traffic going by here, which is good coz I don't think these el toro burgers will keep forever. But who knows? You know, when something smells bad, it's hard to tell when it turns bad. [ buzzer ] yeah? Yeah? Can I help you? Winston: Uh, yes, I'd like an el toro burger and hold the onions. You can hold the onions, just pick 'em off the burger. You want fries with that? Winston: Uh, no thanks. Too bad. They're in there anyway, just drop 5 bucks into the bait pail, and drive to the second window. Winston: Okay. Hey, do you guys have any action figures? Oh man. Yeah. Okay. You're gettin' a wiggly wally. Winston: I already have a wiggly wally! Okay, you're getting a wobbly wendy. [ cheers and applause ] red: Having a little lumberjack competition with the two-man saw out behind the lodge. Yeah, we see, beautiful sign, harold. The spelling is perfect and everything. And walter come with a chain saw, he's always kiddin' around with stuff like this. There you go. Heheheh. That's not actually -- see, there's the saws we're using, not the chain saw. It's the old two-man saw thing. Oh, boy! This has gotta be -- ohhhh, very sensible. Look out, here it comes. And just let her go through. It'll be fine, it's headin' for the lake. So we divide into two teams here, so harold is gonna go onto team two and the rest of us decided to be on team one. Well, now -- no, that's good. Wha -- what? Oh, yeah, ohhhh. Oh, for gosh sake. Yeah, okay, walter, you go. Away you go, you go, you go... He wants to do the paper, scissors, rock thing, and if you win, you lose. You're the winner, which means you're the loser, away you go. Get the high-five goin'. High-five on the other side, and away we start. You okay there, harold? Okay, so the way it works is the one team times the other team. And I spit on my hands, dalton's got a saliva -- couldn't get it goin' there, so he just licks his palms. So we get her goin'. It starts and then we go. And look at dalton faking it here. The handle come right off and he's just pretending to -- so we got her taped back on and now we get another start. It was just a false start. Away we go, all right we're going, and just hard work, I'm telling you. In the old days they put a lot of effort into things. Okay, so... Later that day... Okay, done! All right, and check the time, and okay, no, it wasn't -- it wasn't real great. No, we're not exactly world record holders. Now walter and harold give her a go, and walter's a strong lookin' -- what do I do? I didn't say "go" until right, and... Go! Harold had let go. Just get that. Grab it, grab it, harold. Heheheh, I'm lovin' this. There you go. Work your way down the handle. Nope! Nope. Nope. Nope. There you got it. There you go. Wow, love that back brace, don't you? That could get -- ohhhh! And now you're caught, you're caught! Oh, no, no, no. Oh, oh boy. Oh! And they're gone. Oh my gosh! We have a winner and it's not us. Congratulations, walter. Congratulations, harold. You okay? Didn't think so. There's nothing worse than getting ready for an important interview with a law enforcement officer only to realise there are more wrinkles in your pants than there are in your face or in your alibi. Now, some people solve the problem with one of these... This is an electric kettle. They only sell these in canada. Maybe because we have more electricity or more fire departments, I dunno. The point is you can use these to steam the wrinkles out of your pants. The problem being, you may not own one of these kettles or maybe you don't wanna take your pants off. Especially if that's what got you the law enforcement interview in the first place. So I'm gonna show you how you can use a pair of hip waders and some old dryer hose to do the same job, quicker and easier. Okay, once I get these babies airtight, the steam from the rad will take the wrinkles out of my pants in about 30 seconds. Nobody has to iron or steam, and best of all, you don't have to feel deprived just because you're not canadian. I'm gettin' a fair amount of pressure out of this unit. 'scuse me while I let off a little steam. Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt the red green show so that I may bring you the following important environmental message. Greetings, campers, ranger gord here with another one of my patented... Oh, say, now, here's a christmas card in the making. A couple of sniffling snowmen out for a ski. But little do they know that danger lurks overhead! See that? An imposing shelf of snow atop a nearby cliff. Just waiting to turn into a deadly avalanche. Folks, the tiniest sound could set it off. A broken twig. Oh. The shot of a gun! Or could even be the crash of a cymbal. Shhh! Quiet, gord. You wanna trigger an avalanche? Bad move, red. With your thoughtless shouting, you've triggered an avalanche. Here, quick, take these umbrellas to protect yourselves. So remember, folks, you can't protect yourselves from an avalanche with tiny cartoon umbrellas. It's just common sense. [ hearty laugh ] [ applause ] well, the possum lodge drive-thru has lost its drive, and it's through. They opened up the highway, so now the cars don't have to come within 10 miles of the lodge if they don't want to, and believe me, they don't want to. Actually, it's just as well. We were running out of the el toro burgers anyway. They're not too bad, I mean, if you go heavy on the ketchup and light on the chewing. Boy oh boy, uncle red, these burgers are pretty good. They're not bad. I guess you can get used to anything. You're telling me? You're my nephew, harold. How many of those have you had anyway? Just a couple. Hundred! Oh man. They're good. Harold! You gotta tell everyone to stop eatin' those burgers! Why? What's wrong with 'em? Well, they tasted a little funny to me, so I did some research. El toro products don't serve cattle, they serve to cattle. We've been eating cattle feed? Well, actually, it's a drug supplement. El toro is bull viagara. [ possum squealing ] meeting time, uncle red. You guys go ahead, I'll be right down. You go first. [ applause ] I'm thinkin' harold is in for a rough night. If my wife is watchin', I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And I mean straight home! And to the rest of you, thanks for watchin'. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge keep your stick on the ice! [ cheers and applause ] everyone have a seat. Quick quick quick. Sit down. Sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to... I guess. Okay, we all got to get home. We got things to do. So if there's no other business, hey, let's get outta here! Let's go! [ ♪ ]